What do I do with chronic misbehavior- nothing is working!

Let's say you have a child. He is chronically causing problems in class. He shouts out. He walks around when he shouldn't be doing so. He hardly does any work. He yells at you. He says you are unfair. He walks out of the classroom without permission.

You have tried everything. Everything. You have tried ignoring the bad behavior. You have tried rewards and punishments. You have tried bribes. You have tried being really consistent. You have tried behavior check-in / check-out. You have referred him to the student intervention team. You are out of ideas because nothing really seems to work. Nothing.

What if there was something that would help the child? No it is not going to stop the behavior in it's tracks. But over time, momentum will move towards more and more cooperative behavior.

You need a repair conversation. Here is how to do a repair conversation.

Let's say the child throws and epic tantrum or walks out of class or does something majorly disruptive. You have done whatever needed to be done in that moment to keep everyone safe and not escalate the situation. I don't have advice on that here, but I will in a different article. But let's just say, the situation is over. Everyone has calmed down for a significant amount of time. Maybe even a day! That is when the repair conversation can start.

After the situation is over and the child has been calm for a long, long time, here is a repair model that helps you and the child grow. This conversation is not about setting limits or making the child understand “what they did wrong.”

This conversation is about helping children flourish and be their best selves. Over time the child slowly grow in their understanding of themselves and this automatically translates into better behavior.


The questions:
  1. What were you thinking when _______ happened?
  2. Can you see this was just a thought and that you could have had a different thought in the same situation?
  3. What thoughts would have made you feel peaceful and calm  in that situation?


Do you notice that nowhere in that conversation was there any talking about actions or behavior. This is because all actions, feelings and behavior start out as a thought.


When children learn to notice their thoughts and how quickly they change is the first step. When children notice how their thoughts are creating their moods, they naturally trend towards more peaceful behavior.

 If this post helped you, please share your thoughts with me. They really mean a lot to me. Thank you.

If you know of a colleague who you think would get something out of reading this, please share. Thank you!
What should I read next?
Further thought experiments on your most difficult students.
Use the simple view of reading to improve instruction tomorrow
Free Classroom Management plan for Zoom or Google Meet
COVID-19 and moving past the Fearscape of my mind


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