A thought experiment for changing your relationships with challenging students
As humans we view our life through our own experiences. It's very difficult to try to step away from your own thoughts and feelings to fully imagine what another person might experiencing. We also tend to believe what we think and feel.
One area where this is even more challenging than normal is when dealing with a severe behavior in the classroom. To understand this more fully, let's run a thought experiment.
For a moment, bring to mind one student and a particularly challenging moment you had with that student. Close your eyes and recreate that moment. Start before the behavior escalated. Replay it in your mind like a movie. Keep this moment and student in mind as your read on.
If this student has chronic problem acting out it's really easy to stay centered in your own personal experience of frustration, annoyance and overwhelm. You might think - Nothing I do helps. I just don't know what to do. I've tried everything.
What thoughts do you have regarding this student and situation? Take a moment to bring those thoughts to mind or write them down.
It's also easy to feel injustice. You might think your other students aren't getting their needs met because you have to work with one student or another feeling might be frustration with the system that this child is in your class.
Of course these thoughts are completely natural. But, they do nothing to help you build more compassion toward the child. They do nothing in terms of lowering your stress or helping you solve the problem. These feelings do not help you, the child or the situation.
There is something that can help. It will not solve the problem by itself, but it will build compassion and understanding. Compassion and understand are the first steps toward making a difference. If you can fully, for a moment, attempt to put yourself in your child's shoes it will make a difference.
So, close a moment and play your mental movie again. But, now you are the child in your mind. How are you feeling while you're raging out of control? What is it like to be experiencing that?
You of course can't truly know what the other person might be experiencing even though you may have experienced something similar. All you can ever really know is your own experience.
Imagining what it might be like is powerful. Now imagine how uncomfortable that must feel, as a child you're not doing this intentionally to anger or harm another person. It's not comfortable. It's something you probably dread experiencing.
An analogy is it might be sort of like that that triple chocolate chip cookie that's calling your name. You long for it. There might be some guilty pleasure in the actual moment of eating it and at the same time there's an enormous guilt around doing what you actually don't really want to be doing on a very deep level. It is quite possible you eat the entire chocolate chip cookie not noticing The Taste because the entire time your thoughts and feelings are in this nebulous in between place of feeling guilt and thinking about how you imagine the cookie feels.
So imagine of a child experiencing of tantrum is like experiencing of giving in and eating a delicious chocolate chip cookie that you feel enormous shame over. Would a time out change your behavior? Being sent to the principal's office? Having your parent's called who are going to get mad at your for doing whatever you did AGAIN? No. You need to learn to experience the desire to eat the cookie and not fall into the trap of thinking that is actually going to make you happy. That and learn to eat the cookie with attention.
Back to the child.
What does this child need to learn? What is the most important thing you have to teach this child? Take a moment and think about that. Yes, close your eyes and listen for the answers that don't come immediately. After your fist answer ask - is that really what the child needs to learn? Or is it something else. Take some time and don't try to pressure yourself. Let the answer come to you.
I bet you didn't think of a state standard!
This child was placed in your life because you - yes you - have what it takes to open a new possibility for this child. No, you can not change his or her life. The child is the only one that can make that type of a change. But, you can respond differently to the child and this will make a difference. .
The single most important thing that you can teach this child in life is how to experience those emotions and work through them in a way but doesn't negatively impact other people. If you can help the child do this you will have helped someone change their own life.
So what does that take? Well it might take a lot of things. It's going to take an enormous amount of work, or it might not. It might be hard, but it will be worth it in the end!
You can help children learn to experience emotions, impulses and thoughts without sabotaging themselves hurting their community and the people that they love. That's the greatest gift you can give students. And might be able single most important lesson that you both learn and teach in your entire career!
One area where this is even more challenging than normal is when dealing with a severe behavior in the classroom. To understand this more fully, let's run a thought experiment.
For a moment, bring to mind one student and a particularly challenging moment you had with that student. Close your eyes and recreate that moment. Start before the behavior escalated. Replay it in your mind like a movie. Keep this moment and student in mind as your read on.
If this student has chronic problem acting out it's really easy to stay centered in your own personal experience of frustration, annoyance and overwhelm. You might think - Nothing I do helps. I just don't know what to do. I've tried everything.
What thoughts do you have regarding this student and situation? Take a moment to bring those thoughts to mind or write them down.
It's also easy to feel injustice. You might think your other students aren't getting their needs met because you have to work with one student or another feeling might be frustration with the system that this child is in your class.
Of course these thoughts are completely natural. But, they do nothing to help you build more compassion toward the child. They do nothing in terms of lowering your stress or helping you solve the problem. These feelings do not help you, the child or the situation.
There is something that can help. It will not solve the problem by itself, but it will build compassion and understanding. Compassion and understand are the first steps toward making a difference. If you can fully, for a moment, attempt to put yourself in your child's shoes it will make a difference.
So, close a moment and play your mental movie again. But, now you are the child in your mind. How are you feeling while you're raging out of control? What is it like to be experiencing that?
You of course can't truly know what the other person might be experiencing even though you may have experienced something similar. All you can ever really know is your own experience.
Imagining what it might be like is powerful. Now imagine how uncomfortable that must feel, as a child you're not doing this intentionally to anger or harm another person. It's not comfortable. It's something you probably dread experiencing.
An analogy is it might be sort of like that that triple chocolate chip cookie that's calling your name. You long for it. There might be some guilty pleasure in the actual moment of eating it and at the same time there's an enormous guilt around doing what you actually don't really want to be doing on a very deep level. It is quite possible you eat the entire chocolate chip cookie not noticing The Taste because the entire time your thoughts and feelings are in this nebulous in between place of feeling guilt and thinking about how you imagine the cookie feels.
So imagine of a child experiencing of tantrum is like experiencing of giving in and eating a delicious chocolate chip cookie that you feel enormous shame over. Would a time out change your behavior? Being sent to the principal's office? Having your parent's called who are going to get mad at your for doing whatever you did AGAIN? No. You need to learn to experience the desire to eat the cookie and not fall into the trap of thinking that is actually going to make you happy. That and learn to eat the cookie with attention.
Back to the child.
What does this child need to learn? What is the most important thing you have to teach this child? Take a moment and think about that. Yes, close your eyes and listen for the answers that don't come immediately. After your fist answer ask - is that really what the child needs to learn? Or is it something else. Take some time and don't try to pressure yourself. Let the answer come to you.
I bet you didn't think of a state standard!
This child was placed in your life because you - yes you - have what it takes to open a new possibility for this child. No, you can not change his or her life. The child is the only one that can make that type of a change. But, you can respond differently to the child and this will make a difference. .
The single most important thing that you can teach this child in life is how to experience those emotions and work through them in a way but doesn't negatively impact other people. If you can help the child do this you will have helped someone change their own life.
So what does that take? Well it might take a lot of things. It's going to take an enormous amount of work, or it might not. It might be hard, but it will be worth it in the end!
You can help children learn to experience emotions, impulses and thoughts without sabotaging themselves hurting their community and the people that they love. That's the greatest gift you can give students. And might be able single most important lesson that you both learn and teach in your entire career!
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