Teaching time outs at home

Have you ever sent your child to have a time out? Have you taught your child how to take a time out?

You can solve 80% of your time out problems by teaching your child how to take a time out!

Here are the steps.

Step 1 - WHY - Explain why and when you will give a time out. Don't just explain with your words - act it out! Yes, you might feel silly. Yes, you and your child might laugh.

Why should you act it out?

  • A movie is more powerful than words. 
  • Acting it out makes the lesson more interesting and fun. A lesson on timeouts does not need to be serious and boring. The more interesting and fun the lesson, the more likely your child will remember what you taught them. 
  • Your child gets to reflect on how they sometimes act and see it from a new perspective. Sometimes this is a powerful changer of behavior. 


Step 2 - HOW - Actually give yourself a time out while your child watches. Yes, put yourself in time out. It's ok to laugh for a second with your child about how funny this is, and then get back to your lesson.

What should you model?

  • Ask the child to tell you, "You have a time out."
  • Walk calmly to the time out location.
  • Actually sit where you want your child to sit during a time out. 
  • Be as still or act however you want your child to act. 
  • Say out loud the things you might be thinking in your mind like, "Once I'm calm, I can get out of time out. I'll try to be nicer next time. etc" 
  • Model how to leave the time out. I normally let a child out of time out 3-5 minutes after they are fully calm.  Time starts once they are calm. 
Step 3 - WRONG WAY - Model how not to do a time out. Do everything you see your child sometime do, but exaggerate it in a way that is silly, but not mean. 

What might you model?
  • Complain loudly about how unfair this is
  • Protest loudly that you didn't break a rule
  • Stomp
  • Slam doors
  • Have fun with this! Let out your inner toddler. Do whatever things your child does. 

Step 4 - Child does right way. Make it clear that this is not punishment but practice so they can grow into a calm young adult. You should have your child practice often if time outs are still challenging. You might also need to have a back-up consequence if time outs are not taken as taught. That could be doing a chore, not getting screen time etc. Make sure to model the back-up consequence as well as the actions that lead to that back-up consequence! 

What NOT to do:
  • Threaten - if you do that one more time you are going to get a time out. If you want to say this, you probably need to give the time out now, not next time. 
  • Nag - Remeber you need to be quiet in time out. 
  • Lecture - If you would just remember to be nice to your sister this wouldn't have happened. 
  • False positive praise - I know you can do this. Just take the time out and it will be over. You can do this. 
  • Emotional Reasoning- You are making me so mad. I can't believe you ____ for the millionth time. 
Let your actions do the talking. All the above statements make the child focus on you, not on their own personal behavior. Take deep breaths if you need to. Count to 10. It is not your job to threaten, nag, lecture, manipulate or reason through emotions. It is your job to be a calm, kind, loving adult with firm limits. 

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